Thursday, December 15

Aquila News: Tom Kirby Steps down as GW Chairman


AQUILA NEWS!

Today the Gaming world was shaken to its squishy core when Mr. Tom Kirby, GW Chairman of the Board and ex-CEO stepped down from his position at the miniatures manufacturer.




Tom's Rise to the top of the food chain at GW was finalized when he led a takeover of the company from the management.  Fully half the legions of managers were said to follow under his banner.  After taking control of the company and putting himself on the golden throne of CEO/Chairman he lead a rule of conusion that saw most of the loyal primarchs game designers flee the company.

In a press release put out last night he stated.
 "I was visited last night by three ghosts.  One was the ghost of GW past where 
gamers gathered together to talk about how much fun they were having and
how they loved our GT circuit and great prices.  After this I was visited by the
ghost of GW present during which my own employees based the sculpt of 
the 'arch-traitor,' Horus off of my likeness. At first I thought it was cool,
but then I read the stories about Horus and how he ruined the Imperium and then
I figured out that my employees thought I was Horus and I felt dumb.
After this I was visited by the ghost of GW future and I saw a future ruled by
Warmachine and Infinity and it made me want to change myself.  
I new I had to leave, for the betterment of the company."

It isn't a compliment when your likeness is used to represent the
Arch-Traitor! 
The remaining board members of GW, along with the current (and remaining) CEO stated that they "... (are) Relieved that he is (finally) stepping down because now they can start doing things that other 'real companies,' do. "  When asked to elaborate the CEO replied "Ummm, you know, like marketing and elastic pricing."

Reportedly the first act of the remaining staff was to tear down a giant effigy of Kirby in the GW Lobby which featured him in a terminator suit of armor and the earth in the palm of his hand.

With this news Australia rejoiced as it is anticipated that their exile will soon come to an end and trade will resume as usual.  One Gamer summed up the feelings of the world when he stated "Finally, this company can start doing thing that make sense instead of just making us all scratch our heads...One man stores? come on!"


-Aquila News- 
The gaming worlds best (fake) News source.

25 comments:

  1. to who, you (the reader), or Tom?

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  2. That sounds to good to be true. :-(
    I'd love to hear that news from a non-fake Source.

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  3. Agreed with anon.

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  4. Yes, it is too good to be true... Lol. I think I might do a series of posts on what I would do if he did step down and I was now CEO.hmmm


    Duke

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  5. To ME! I saw the title and got excited... then rtfa and pouted. :)

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  6. Well fake news wouldn't have the same effect if people didn't get excited about it possibly being true, lol.

    Duke

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  7. I wanted this to be true.

    But then I realised he isnt going to step down from the golden throne without a fight. From the practices we have seen from GW in the last few years he will hang on like a certain egyptian president.
    He will then be found by the inquisitorial kill teams hideing in a ditch an executed as a enemy of the humanity.

    http://scenic40k.blogspot.com/

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  8. sadly i thought that he had steped down and you were doing a humorus spin on it.

    *snif* thats mean :P

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  9. Dammit Chandler... I was all exited by this...

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  10. This is like waiting until Christmas Day to tell your kids that Santa isn't real.

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  11. Lol, yea I suppose it is a little like this Santa example, except mine is more funny.
    (for me)

    Duke

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  12. LOL. A little late for an April fools joke no?

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  13. @theHman: www.theonion.com

    Humor is eternal.

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  14. I'm probably one of the few people who doesn't view the Chairman as the Anti-Christ who swooped down on Whoville and stole Christmas..ok..wrong analogy. Yeah, the stuff costs more than it used to but it looks a hell of a lot better than it used to and I'm pretty happy with the release schedule they've been following. It's really easy to say..'if I ran GW it would be way better', but it is much harder to try to run a creative company in a business-like way than any of us can probably imagine.
    A bit of a rant but I'm really sick of reading 2 types of posts on blogs..one is 'GW sucks' and the other is 'Competitive gameplay sucks'..neither is true nor are they original. We got your point of view a very long time ago and it's still wrong..save your typing fingers and the nano-seconds it takes to read your post.

    Thank You, we now return to our regular programming.

    BTW..pretty humerous post overall, except for the typos..you are not editing my stuff anymore..:)

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  15. Just to be clear. I don't think GW sucks. I think they do a few of things "weird," (like no outside play-testers). I think that Kirby is holding GW back but I don't have any direct evidence of that and I have never met him, but the limited interactions I have had don't make me entirely confident in his personal abilities. Some of the initiatives he has personally championed just don't make sense to me. Others might disagree but that is the freedom both you and I fought to protect.

    All in all, I agree with you, GW is in good condition (as of their last annual report) and that they have indeed produced a superior product compared to their old stuff, but liking the company and disliking the Chairman can happen.

    Duke

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  16. What's that I see out the window?
    Dancing?
    In the street of all places!

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  17. Also:

    With this news Australia rejoiced as it is anticipated that their exile will soon come to an end and trade will resume as usual. One Gamer summed up the feelings of the world when he stated "Finally, this company can start doing thing that make sense instead of just making us all scratch our heads...One man stores? come on!"

    I want this comment to have my babies.

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  18. So the story is not real, but the humour and the string of comments that follow make a very nice read.

    I note in one of your comments above you state, 'some of the initiatives he has personally championed do not make sense to me.'

    I would consider it a kindness if you could give an example or two, sprinkle a little of the real world into this fiction. I'm sure others would like to comment on whether example A or example B is a bad initiative or not.

    Loving the site as ever Duke. Long time lurker, occasional poster....

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  19. Maybe we should spam GW HQ with e-mails containing this?

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  20. @Grovel: I would be happy to impregnate you with that comment... It's an 'interesting,' process though so be prepared for some slanesshi-goodness. Also, Im glad someone pointed out that it is all a scrooge reference.

    @ Anonymous: Glad you like the site. I am planning on doing a "If I were GW CEO," series of posts. I will include what you're asking for in those articles. I should be doing them sometime around christmas before GW releases their annual financials, then I can do my GW annual financials post shortly after.

    Duke

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  21. please do>> that would be a very fun read

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  22. was the part about his likeness being uses for horus fake too? because I can kind of see it.

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